I feel like such an odd collection of contradictions at the moment… A friend came up to me the other day and said something to the effect of ‘I’m confused – First you write a blog telling people you want to talk about things and then you post something else telling people you don’t want them to ask you questions… Which is it?’ Yeah, I understand his confusion. It’s confusing being me too! Ha! In answer to his question though, I don’t necessarily want to talk about the boring specifics of my practical story but I do want to talk about the ‘stuff’ behind the ‘stuff’ of my story…. Unless I don’t today, unless I have no energy to do anything but sloth around in my jammies avoiding phone calls today…. But in general, I do. And yes, ‘boring specifics of my practical story’… The practical facts of my dad dying and meeting the other half of my family are kind of boring to be repeating over and over and over again…. It’s what that triggered, what I’m deciding that change to mean and how it relates to you, how it relates to Life and how I can hold the space more for the rest of the world that’s interesting.
So, yeah, I’m a bundle of contradictions…. I just spent a decent hour or two writing to a friend about the deepest fears in me after my mum’s death* in a bid to let him know that I understand, at least somewhat, the intense stuff he’s going through right now… And then I giggled in the shower at the thought of writing about ‘Burny Bumhole Thai’! Hahahaha! (My friend and I had unexpectedly really hot Thai food the other night and we had Thai again today so it’s kind of a new running joke that we have to make sure we don’t accidentally get ‘Burny Bumhole Thai’ again! I giggle every time I write that. I think I’m so hil-a-ri-ous! Burny Bumhole Thai, Burny Bumhole Thai, Burny Bumhole Thai!!) I went and grinned so incredibly proudly as the group of 15 year old girls I have been working with in a creative performing arts project performed tonight… and then I got in the car and felt so irrationally tired, even though I slept in late and have physically done hardly anything today. Ah the contradictions.
In moments I feel like I could just ‘decide this away’, like I am just affecting a ‘serious face’ and getting way too deep and navel gazey. I have moments of feeling like being here is an affront to my staunch belief that my internal creates my external and I could just ‘flick the switch’ if I wanted to… Maybe I could… But I have zero desire too… And… Gratefully, wonderfully… My body is literally not cooperating with me at the moment and is forcing me into slow gentleness even when my rational mind and intellect get caught up in believing that I could just ‘think my way out of this’. I probably could… But it is so clearly not the way of ‘flow’, it is so clearly not the path of most growth for me and… More than grieving, more than mourning, more than anything, I am committed to the path of most growth… Even if that infuriates my ego and means that I feel to be moving at a snail’s pace right now….
… And then I realise it has only been 5 days since I buried my dad and I should give myself again what I wrote so passionately about last night – permission to just stay in this. Whatever that means. Whether that means laughing or crying or being full of energy or having none… Yes, I am a bundle of contradictions, it’s part of the process baby…. All part of the process… And I’m going to give this process at least two weeks… Ha, jokes. I’m going to give this process as long as it damn well takes.
*Yes, my mum’s death. She died 13 years ago… But that, that is a whole other story that I may or may not get to telling…